Joseph Fischer on Sex

"Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either." -- Joseph Fischer

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Hope this doesn't make you jealous

"I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school." -- Anonymous

via e-mail from the Official Mom
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Bill Cosby on Graduation

"People will frighten you about a graduation....They use words you don't hear often... 'And we wish you Godspeed.' It is a warning, Godspeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices." -- Bill Cosby

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Check out my other blogs:
Daniel Johnson, Jr.
How I Got My Job
Get That Job!
Journey Inside My Mind Blog and Podcast
QuotesBlog
Twitter.com/danieljohnsonjr
Connect on LinkedIn
Interesting Things I've Read

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Happiness and Family

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." -- George Burns, via Funny Quote of the Day

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Mike Myers on Scottish Cuisine

"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare." -- Mike Myers, via BrainyQuote

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W. H. Auden and the common denominator

"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." -- W. H. Auden, via Elite Etiquette Tip of the Week

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Ernest Hemingway's advice for new fathers

"To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years." -- Ernest Hemingway, via "By Ken Levine - Happy Father's Day"

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vuja de

"vuja de: The feeling that you've never, ever been in this situation before." -- iheartquotes, via Twitter

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Reading Lips

"My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters." -- Brian Kiley

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"Bill Clinton had visions of death during his open heart surgery. Then the nurse asked Hillary to leave the room." -- Bob Zany, comedian

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"First thing I took him home and dangled him over the balcony." -- David Letterman, late-night host at CBS, talking about new son Harry, with a reference to Michael Jackson's infamous baby-dangling stunt, via Reuters Notable Quotes

Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog......that's cool."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Actually, I once destroyed a 1980 Chevette because of this mentality. I tried to install a flush ' n' fill system, and I couldn't get the hoses back on tight enough. While driving on the expressway sometime later, the engine froze. I later found out that this car, for which I had recently poured over $800 worth of repairs to get it running again, had melted pistons!

Comprehending Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Note: I have a Civil Engineering degree from the University of Cincinnati, so I find these very funny. Or maybe it's because I'm a computer programmer now...

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Some Less Famous Proverbs......

1. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

3. A day without sunshine is like ... night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted
...then used against you.

12. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

13. Honk if you love peace & quiet.

14. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

15. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

16. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and
blamed it on the cost of living.

17. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

18. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

19. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

20. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.

21. The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by
those who got there first.

22. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

23. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

24. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

25. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

26. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

27. 4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.